A Lesson in Self-Compassion (and Reef-Friendly Sunscreen)
How I stop my negative self-talk and rumination
The day before my 16 year-old daughter’s early morning departure for her teen service trip to Hawaii, she tells me she needs to go shopping for a bathing suit and other key items for her trip. I had been asking her if she needed anything for weeks… But, I bite my tongue and take deep breaths to summon up my patience for what could be a long, and potentially stressful, afternoon. Once at the store, she has a great attitude. So, I try to be helpful by finding the “reef-friendly” sunscreen she needs. Her program provided us with clear information about what’s prohibited, and what makes sunscreen “reef-friendly” (above right). I quickly look up one of the brands I find on Amazon and the descriptions say “reef-safe”, so I grab 3 bottles and go back to waiting for my daughter outside the dressing room.
Saying no to my inner critic
Back home again I’m relieved that my daughter seems to have everything she needs to get packed for her trip. Then, after only a few minutes, she comes out of her room saying “I can’t take this sunscreen. It’s not reef-friendly.” Grrr…I only looked at Amazon rather than looking at the information that the program had sent (which I had on my phone)! I had to go back. She needed the sunscreen, and I knew they had it.
In the past I would’ve beaten myself up relentlessly with self-talk like“What were you thinking? You should’ve been more careful.” Or even “That was so stupid.” And “What’s wrong with you?”, or other variations of negative rumination. I wouldn’t talk to someone else this way! But, I don’t do it this time. I stop myself. Had I gotten into this negative headspace, I may have even grown resentful (and then ashamed…). It could’ve seriously impacted interactions with my daughter that afternoon when she was already anxious about her trip.
Instead, I close my eyes, focusing on slow deep breaths, I offer myself patience, forgiveness and compassion. I decide not to dwell on my admittedly avoidable, but minor mistake, but rather to be open to opportunity and connection during my errand. I make a conscious and deliberate choice to stop the rumination and negative self-talk in their tracks. I decide to let go of my mistake and accept the moment in front of me.
LOVE, JOY and PRIDE
With these simple practices, I take myself from frustrated and self-critical, to heading out for the sunscreen exchange with an intention to enjoy myself. I luck out and get parking right in front (no small thing in San Francisco!) and have especially friendly interactions at the store. On my way home, I get to witness the beauty and joy of revelers traveling on foot from the SF Pride parade through the Mission with the colorful papel picado banners still swaying in the breeze from Cinco de Mayo celebrations. I feel calm, grounded and present in the sunshine and vibrancy of the love, joy and pride on the streets.
